Backstory Part 2

And we’re back!

Now it’s 2014. My only resolution was to meet a guy I would like to hang out with indefinitely. Actually, it was more novel yet banal than that. Inspired by Bey’s surprise album, my goal for 2014 was to be “drunk in love” with someone. I wanted to ride in a cab with him and tell the driver to “roll up the ‘partition’ please”. I wanted him to “tear that cherry out”. I wanted “plenty of “superpower’, a tough love”, be on his “mouth like likka”, “slip this aaaaaaassss, on [him]…

You get the point.

I find out thru the grapevine that tinder is the “hookup” app. Yeah, no, that’s not what I’m here for. I don’t believe in “hooking-up”. It’s not consistent and I damn sure don’t do one night stands.  delete the app.

We’re back at school and my assistant sets up a profile for me on OK Dipuc.  She assures me that this is the way to go, this is a tried and true website for finding a partner. Of the free sites, it’s the best one. Alright, I let her manage it for a couple of weeks. She uploaded my pics, filled out all my info, and set parameters for potential suitors.  Pretty soon, I learn my way around it and start managing it myself. This is fun! Sooooooo many guys! On Saturday mornings I spent hours answering questions then looking to see who had a high percentage of compatibility with me. There was someone with 97%, must send him a message!  

Whatever the case, I was having fun sending and receiving messages. My guy has to be out there and with this site/app, he’s just going to fall in my lap, right?

Wrong.  Hence this blog.

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Backstory Pt 1

Why OK Dipuc?

I wanted to take more control of my social life in 2014. I knew I wasn’t going to meet people, much less a desirable man by going to work and coming straight home. I needed some help.

The back back story is this.  In 2012, a young buck co-worker mentioned this site called circles. I tried it for a week, made a lot of connections but wasn’t ready to meet strangers and definitely not ready to meet the man of my dreams online.

Fast forward to July 2012. I was sitting on a stoop in Prospect Heights when a circle match said let’s do lunch. I was literally around the corner from his house and the establishment he wanted to meet at.  “fuck it, it’s summertime. I’m going.” Wearing a black maxi dress and my long box braids, I knew I looked good so we met and connected. We talked about ATCQ and Platinum PP for hours. Shut down sunburnt calf and everything.  Then time for the kiss. *sigh* It was great. It was long, had to tear myself away. He asked me to come back to his place and I politely declined. We decided to meet again the following week.

We met again and again and again over the summer. And the fall. And the winter. And the spring. And the summer. And the fall. And the winter. Here we are in spring 2014…

So why isn’t he my man? That’s a whole ‘nother post.  Just know he’s always in the background. Kinda like powdered kook-aid; add water when needed.

Still some more back story, let’s go to Spring 2013. Cinco de Mayo to be exact. I go to dinner at my friend’s house and they have a friend over. He’s a principal, we hit it off and exchange email addresses. Then phone numbers. Then more. This guy makes me feel like how Andrew used to make me feel. For a long time after Drew, I was straight on love/relationships/the thought of a future with one person. I was on some ‘Bad/Love Me’ playlist vibe. Sula. Enter him and all that went out the window.

Well, dude was as philandering as they come. November 3, 2013 brought me a pain I haven’t felt since my broken engagement. I didn’t eat for two days, didn’t shower, went to work but didn’t teach. Walking dead inside. It was a november wedding that restored my faith in relationships and I put my happiness in my own hands. But before that, Lish tells me about Tinder.

Tinder is an app based on mutual attraction. You swipe ‘nope’ or ‘liked’.  It’s actually circles, redux. Circles was ahead of it’s time… anyway, I’m on it, swiping my life away… but that’s all i’m doing. swiping, getting matches. Nothing is coming from it. Well, except for a few weirdos. Before I leave for Christmas break, I finally meet a tinderoni. We have drinks, we have dinner, we ice skate, we watch Breaking Bad, Star Trek… but there’s no spark. At least not on my part. I let work consume me and he fades to the background.

TBC

A Convo with B, the redhead

B: Good morning! You’re on my mind and I hope everything is going well with you! I just have to say, I feel like I’m doing all the work reaching out to you…

Me: yeah, I’ve been really busy with school. We’re preparing a charter school rally, I have to be at school tomorrow at 6:30am, just got out of assessment period, etc.

B: okay, thanks for letting me know. We haven’t spoken in a while and I was concerned. Do you just want to be friends, Stacey?

Me: ?????? (mad confused, we are literally exchanging the simplest of messages) Yes… that would be best

(Note: WE ARE NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP. THIS DUDE LIVES OVER 100 MILES AWAY IN BUMBAFCUK, PA. I DID NOT GET ON OK DIPUC TO START A LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP, FCUK WHAT YOU HEARD/THOUGHT)

B: Yeah, FUCK OFF!!!!! YOU FAKE BITCH! YOU GOT MENTAL PROBLEMS! I HOPE YOU DIE IN A BUS RECK TOMORROW! WASTING MY FUCKING TIME!!!

Me: you’re crazy.

B: I hope you fucking die tomorrow!

Me: Ooof, the ginger has snapped. You are so mad. At someone you never met. Get a life.

B: It’s women like you that give online dating a bad rap. Get off ok dipuc and go fuck your tranny partner.

Me: get a job, get a life, get a dick. I didn’t comment on your irish green underwear pic cause you’re right, I didn’t have anything nice to say.

Image

 

Drinks with AC

He used to be a teacher but now he’s a lobbyist. He wanted to get into politics so he majored in PoliSci. It didn’t pan out the way he imagined in his head so he became a high school social sciences teacher. Because of his background, when the chance to oversee policies regarding education popped up on the NYCDOE page, he jumped on it and got the job. Fast forward to 2014, he hits me up on the site because I am a teacher and he “sees [my] passion thru my profile”.

We agree to drinks one Thursday evening. The place is packed with suits and heels. It’s a bougie BBQ/Whiskey bar.

I hate whiskey bars.

 

We meet and I can’t figure out of he’s Jewish or Italian. Both of them go for me. I figure the C stands for Cohen as opposed to Chiacchio. He’s much smaller in person and we both seem nervous. Whatever the case, he orders me and G&T and gets himself a cape codder. Then we sit.

Awkward conversation about politics. Awkward because I’m not heavy into them. He’s asks of I’m familiar with this referendum, that amendment, this law… nope, nope, nope.  Then we start talking about teaching. Ahhh, the convo flows. He’s heard of The System and has actually talked to our CEO because he approved charters at one point in his DOE career. Said she’s a total B. Now we’re laughing and he’s telling me I need to get out of the System. Someone like me can get a job easily in the DOE and most importantly, be respected. “But I thought there was a hiring freeze?” “BS. They hire who they want, when they want. Let me know when you apply, I’ll get you in.”  “Awesome! I’ll definitely keep in touch!”

 

And that was the last time I heard from him.

Brunch with E

Enter a teacher turned Peace Corps turned investment banker who likes Tribe.  Of course I’m excited at the possibilities so we make plans for brunch. And he’s thinking of moving to BK so he’d like a mini tour of my area.

Even better.

I mention a few places but Hothouse is in BS so that’s where we decide to meet.

Except on that weekend, the A train isn’t running into BK. And he doesn’t find out till he gets to the station. I ask if he’d like to push the meeting back to drinks during the week and he says “no, no, we’ve been chatting all week, I finally want to meet you!” Alriiiiiiiight.

He takes the shuttle bus from Man to BK but then the A is running local stops once in BK! This brunch is now just going to be flat out lunch. When he finally makes it above ground, he text me, “I’m walking now! See you in a few!

Mind you, when he told me he was leaving, I started heading out maybe 15 minutes afterwards. And I took the 26 (slow). And I waited for a table (forever).  I ordered an bowl of grits and a gin cocktail. All before he finally made it to the restaurant. But he finally made it, USPS style! Rain, sleet, hail, snow; he was going to make it.

The date was very cool. He’s 36 so I felt in the same stratosphere about any topic. He did PC in South Africa but had a penchant for west africans. He was actually able to tell me I’m from Ghana. I asked if he knew my last name, did I give something away in my profile… nope. Whoa. Alright. More talking about our respective jobs, he’d actually like to get back to teaching b/c although banking is very lucrative, not fulfilling. Gee, when you go from PC to JP Morg, I can only imagine the paradigm shift in your life.

Brunch over, time to walk the neighborhood. Oooof, the temperature dropped like crazy! I’m wearing boots and he’s wearing canvas sneakers… this tour needs to happen on another day! I asked him, “hmmm, whose idea was it to come to BK despite the trains not working and take a long walk on one of the coldest days ever…? Hmmm…” we laughed and kept on trekking thru the streets. Brownstones and stoops, it was a nice walk. We talked about gentrification and interracial dating then got stopped by some city workers. “Hey! Hey! Y’all make a beautiful couple! I love it!” Okay mr gruff neon vest and work boot timb wearing city worker! I’m glad we made your day!!  Walking, walking, ended up in front of my building. Oh snap, it’s cold AF let’s go upstairs and play wii.  I told him if he kills me, my mom would be very upset so don’t do it.

I beat that ass in wii tennis so many times. And killed him once in wii bowling.  It was all fun and laughter and then the brunch/lunch walking/wii date had to come to an end. Hugs, kisses on both cheeks and a long goodbye. It was a fun day, I told him let’s do it again.

and that was the last time i saw or heard from him.

Convo with P, the Polar Bear

This was a convo via Dipuc messages

PB: Hey! Can you talk? I find you very attractive and would like to get to know you!

Me: Hi! Thanks! How are you doing?

PB: I’m good but can be better. What’s your take on dating?

Me: Make plans to hang out and do it. Eventually, you meet someone you want to hang out with all the time, exclusively.

PB: oh are you one of those who needs to make plans cause you’re sooooo busy all the time?

Me: it’s not that I’m soooooo busy but I do happen to rescue kittens, put out fires, discover cures for the flu, and teach kindergarten every day, jerk face. Whew, all in a day’s work.

PB: Well, make time for me. I’m 6’7 270 pounds and love your type.

Me: YOU’RE A POLAR BEAR! My type?

PB: Polish boy. I love black women. Especially little ones.

Me: wait. what’s going on here?

PB: everything with black women is better. And I love petite black women. You’re like beautiful dolls. Between your smile and your dimensions, I want to date you.

Me: ummmm, and what’s your definition of dating?

PB: go out, dinner, drinks, sex. Lots of sex.

Me: see, yeah, no. You should try Tinder.  I just found out that’s the hook up site.

PB: but I want to date you. I love little black women. Especially the ones who are educated and talk white.

Me: Bye.

Target with V

Yes, I’m calling this a date.

This dude hit me up SEVERAL times via Dipuc. He wanted me to call him, call him, call him. I kept saying ok, ok, ok, and hen he realized he didn’t leave his number. Ha.  Oh but when he left his number, it only had nine digits. Ha.  Finally, he got it right.

“When can we meet?”

Damn lil uhhhh, urgent!

Well, not today, I have errands to run. I need to go to Target and possibly Marshall’s.

“Ok, I’ll come get you.”

Naw, I changed my mind, I’ll stay in my neighborhood and just do grocery shopping.

“I’ll be there in 20.”

I stared at the phone like, “Wow. He really wants to meet me in person. Whatevs, it’s a ride to Atlantic Terminal that doesn’t have multiple stops.  I wanted to wear sweats and Js but I opted to look a lil better than that.  Victor was a self-proclaimed member of New York’s Bravest. Yes, he’s a fire-fighter. FDNY. I felt a lil rush of Samantha from SATC in me then quickly got over it. Skinny jeans, black sweater, steel 10s. Yep, it’s Saturday, I’m going to Target, I’m wearing Jordans.

He calls when he’s downstairs. Pulled up to the scene in a station wagon.  LOL I’m sorry, a “sports wagon”. Oh yeah, he let me know!  We driving to AT listening to his early 2000 mix of RnB. Singing his ASS off to Jagged Edge, Dru Hill, and Joe! Like, for real singing!  Based on our phone conversation I already knew he liked the sound of his own voice but this was some next level. I just sat in the passenger seat like, “Ooooookaaaaay…”

We get to Target. What I wanted to buy was some ultra level feminine products, some extra uber strength lotion for that super duper dry skin, and all the toilet paper.  I also wanted some ramekins. They were out of ramekins, I got shy about my need for ultra level everything, and so I just grabbed some cetafil.  Yep, all that for one bottle of face wash.  And we had to wait in line for my one item.  Then I wanted to hit up the MAC store but he said, “We have to wrap this up, I have to pick up my kid.”

*record scratch*

See. This is why I don’t do ninjas.

Wine with A

This was my first date, fooling around with Dipuc… I didn’t really know how to work this thing yet so I replied to everyone who said, “Hi!”

“Hiiiiii!”

I’m so excited, this thing is fun! Everybody on here is so nice!!!!

enter Alan, a 40 something year old born in Brooklyn, raised on Staten Island, living in Queens.  From our messaging, he was funny and we had similar music tastes which led us to a date.  It was in Williamsburg at a winery.  Okaaaay, not really my type of drink but whatevs.  It’s Friday and I’m reds to get dating!

I get there and he is not what he looks like.  Or maybe he is, but I was so excited at the thought of a date that I didn’t notice his British-like teeth or his pock-marked face online.  Now I know I can’t talk about skin but I can talk about his. He looked like Daniel T.

Yep.  But paler.  At least DT has a warm complexion going for him.

At the risk of sounding shallow, he was wearing an orange bubble vest with some orange sneakers… SNEAKERS! ON A FIRST DATE! And here I am changing from my commuter uggs into heels in the cold right before I get to the winery and you showing up like we’re walking thru the park! Talmbout you didn’t mean to be so matchy-matchy…

Okay, let’s get to the date. It wasn’t bad, conversation flowed, we tried 6 different kinds of wines (2 flights) and shared a delicious brussel sprout appetizer. Our talk of yacht rock was cool and then discussing about the different neighborhoods of BK. More than small talk but nothing profound. Now for the bill.

After he looks at the bill, I reach for it and say, “Hmm, what’s our damage?” I reach for my wallet… I take out about half the bill… he grabs my money, puts it in his wallet then takes out his card and puts it down.

Wait.

What just happened? WDDDA? Is he trying to get chase points? I’ve seen that commercial!!

Well, he goes to the restroom and I’m sitting there mad. Who does that?! I was clearly just reaching for my wallet for show! I don’t CARE what *OUR* damage, that’s YOUR damage! Ugh. Since I know I’m never seeing much less calling Alan again, I change my shoes. Right there at the table. Uggs, FTW. Luckily they’re gray so they match with my Little Black Dress.